Mike Vick and Maurice Clarett love their moms, too


#23
September 2, 2009, 2:48 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

While raiding a thrift store in Burnsville recently I hit the jackpot. A Michael Jordan jersey for 2 dollars. Yes, you did read that write, it cost me 2 bucks.
The jersey I scored is the black one with the red trim and red letters/numbers, but that is beside the point. The point is, I now have a Michael Jordan jersey.

Let me tell you what this means every time I choose to wear my legendary jersey. When I go to lunch wearing my Michael Jordan jersey, I get to go right to the front of the line. If I see a cute girl while wearing my Michael Jordan jersey, she sees me too. If I have a test on the day I wear my Michael Jordan jersey, I will get an A. If I decide to play some pickup basketball while wearing my Michael Jordan jersey, I AM Michael Jordan. If I am watching a Minnesota Vikings game while wearing my Michael Jordan jersey, the Vikings will win. If I were a gladiator while wearing my Michael Jordan jersey, I would be Russell Crowe.

The bottom line of this story is, my Michael Jordan jersey smells like a feces covered skunk because I have not taken it off since i bought it.



“We Like Sports”
August 16, 2009, 3:48 pm
Filed under: Patrick

As anyone who has read any of my articles before this one knows, I consider myself a sports nut, fiend, geek, dork, nerd, or any other more offensive term related to this concept. I really embrace it, and my mom thinks it is pretty cool as well.

While stumbling around I discovered a video by the creators of the song “I’m on a Boat” and many other comedic hits, called “We Like Sports”.

This video epitomizes everything I strive to be. I am giving my stomach a good rub right now because it is still in pain from how hard I laughed while watching it.

There is one section of the song involving offensive language, so if you do not wish to laugh very hard, do not watch it.

Enjoy, and look for a blog about the most dominant man ever in sports coming soon from me after he wraps up the PGA Championship today.



Looks like the Eagles believe in second chances too
August 14, 2009, 7:12 pm
Filed under: Shane

The Eagles?

Fan-freaking-tastic.
Vick couldn’t have gotten luckier with which team he got signed on with if Brad Childress rang him up and said…
“Mr. Vick please come play QB for us over T-Jack and Sage, and if you do I promise to bring Randy Moss back so you three with the addition of Adrian can be the most electrifying show since old Randall Cunning-something and Robert Schmitty were wearing purple.

But in reality being the Eagle’s “backup backup QB” or even its “Wildcat Wild-card” is even better.
Four reasons why.
1 – Childress would find a way to snuff the flair portion of Mike’s game and would thus make him the mediocre pocket passer he is.
2 – Philly runs a version of the west coast O which Vick did his best to be decent at in Hot-Lanta.
3- McNabb actually wanted Vick to become an Eagle.
4 – That Philly D is always intimidating, and will be until Brian Dawkins takes off the jet-black facemask visor. Which actually would probably turn out to be more horrifying as it would most likely reveal that Dawkins is Skynet’s newest Terminator.

I was ready to be skeptical for his interview. But while I am a bit biased toward the downtrodden former star, he actually sounded like he’s ready to be “a part of the solution.”

Yes, feel free to be as cynical as the 75 percent of Philadelphia that’s having a fit right now but he seriously handled himself incredibly well during the press conference. I believe he’s ready to be a much, much better man. Even getting back to decency will be a victory.

Come on, he has the sure-fire next saint to be anointed in Tony Dungy as a mentor.
He’s literally got the most morale-laded quality Christian to be his guide through these tough times. Dungy lost his son to suicide and he handled it with such class you can’t help but think the G-man is making his halo as we speak.
Please take a peek at the “Personal” portion of his Wiki. I don’t even have the time to list all the good works he’s done.

The first thing I did this morning was try to rationalize a $79.99 jersey of a player who won’t even be able to take the field until Week7.

And while I love the Purple and Gold but looks like I’m going to be a Philly fan this year. And you should too if you like second chances.



I just teared up in an interview
August 11, 2009, 8:15 pm
Filed under: Shane

This is gonna be gushy. For real. So forgive me in advance.

I’ve done multiple supposed feel-good stories about things like the Miracle League in which players with cognitive and/or physically disabled players can get their chance to be athletes. But today was different.

The feeling I got as I strolled into Shjon Podein’s Team 25 Adapative Floor Hockey camp was unparalleled. I knew I had no chance when I had to stop an interview with a player named Luke Lindstrom from Duluth — just to collect myself.
What did he say?

Nothing but “this is the best week of my year.”

Little 14-year-old Lindstrom is thankfully one of those people who never use a silly hyperbole to blow things out of proportion. I believed him completely.

But seriously, the best week of his year? Talk about making an impact. The camp coaches like Lance Holt who’s been making adaptive players feel like all-stars since 2002 and former player now turned coach Corey Schlenker who works the kids hard so they can reach their potential are simply amazing.

Simply amazing.

These men take vacation time to spend a full week, four hours a day putting 30 having players scrimmage, run through numerous drills and even weight lift at the Rochester Athletic Club. The results? There hasn’t been a kid who hasn’t returned.
(That fact may need a reference but believe me I’ve never seen more smiles in one place.)

Even the former Stanley Cup winner Podein who’s children foundation makes the camp possible showed up. I expected some former NHL prick to show his face for a minute, fake smile and then bounce.
Well he did bounce but not before fist-bumping nearly every player, teasing ones who couldn’t stop smiling because an NHL star just gave them the time of day and even praising returners like Schlenker.

I was tired and really didn’t want to go on assignment and cover this camp early this morning; honest. But I’m so glad I did.

The point? I’m currently trying to figure out a way to make 20 percent as much difference in peoples lives as Podein’s camp is able to. So, if you have quality volunteer/coach/thoughtful ideas please share them. I want to start giving back more than I take.

Writing the story on the camp felt good but I doubt it’d feel a fraction as good as if I was a Team 25 coach this week.



Kardashian’s partner in crime; Marcellus Wiley
August 7, 2009, 9:33 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I forgot about Marcellus Wiley.

Which is actually understandable as he is somewhat forgettable given every time he opens his mouth as SportsCenter’s “ESPN NFL Analyst” the producer feels the need to justify Wiley’s existence with a graphic labeled:

NFL Resume
10 NFL Seasons
Pro Bowler in 2001

Hmmm…

So every time anyone gives their two cents we need to be reminded of their “qualifications?”

So when I am informed with Wiley’s incredible insight that usually are along the lines of “injuries hurt teams” “Tom Brady is good” and “Well it reminds me of when I played for blah blah blah” I can trust the fact that since he played for a decade he’s now is a talented broadcast journalist who has a good grip on the pulse of the NFL?

Rest assured Wiley, I’m not going to ever knock you to the level of the NFL Hall of Famer, who when a microphone was clipped to his suit was downright hysterical — and horrific.
Note: View the link if you’re in need of a good old-fashioned giggle.

Anyway, I’m guessing the number of phone calls Wiley places on digging up NFL story updates are the same as the number of Lombardi trophies he’s nuzzled.
(Clue: This is also the number of people that smile back when Josh Elliott grins like an idiot behind the SC desk).

Here’s the problem. So whenever Scott Van Pelt opens his mouth he needs justification too? So a super under his mug shot should then read:

Resume
ESPN anchor since 2001
Golf Channel anchor from 1994-2001
Broadcasting BA from Maryland

Oh, and picking Scott wasn’t a jab at all. Ask anyone who cares about sports journalism and they’ll tell you SVP is hands down one of the best.
He’s useful — please pardon the SVP pun.

If that example didn’t drive the point home, this one will. While the transition in the medium isn’t seamless, trust me that it’ll hold true.
Consistently reminding me why when Wiley speaks it’s “valid” information is asinine.
It’d be just as absurd and arrogant if I start every tennis article I write with a preface of, “Seeing I played collegiate tennis for the University of St. Thomas, whatever I say in this piece will be incredibly intelligent and possess top-notch coverage.”

Yes, Wiley is one of the weaker “analysts.” But that’s mostly because I hold him to the same ESPN analyst standard of co-workers like Buster Olney and Peter Gammons who are legitimately talented MLB analysts.

Maybe I should carry a little piece of poster board around everywhere I go that reads

Shane Kitzman
Aspiring journalist
Senior at the University of St. Thomas
I’m awesome so make sure to listen to everything I say

So then maybe — just maybe — I’ll have instant credibility just like Mr. Wiley.



Kim Kardashian’s ruining my favorite show.
August 5, 2009, 12:52 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Kim Kardashian’s ruining my favorite show.
(Yes, I’m aware that was my headline. But a good lede makes for a good hed.)

I turned on the tube about a week ago right on the hour and a new SportsCenter was about to start.
Me: “Great, I’ll get the top sports stories in the next two minutes before I head off to work.”

Even though the incapable and utterly obnoxious Josh Elliott was jabbering away, I just stomached the fact he would butcher his simple teleprompter copy like Brian “Boom Goes the Dynamite” Collins and continued viewing.

The lead off story was about my boy Mike Vick being reinstated. But the second story got me excited as it starting showing tape of Reggie Bush.
Me: “Did Reggie get traded? Did Reggie get traded to the Vikings? Did Reggie make plans to come to Rochester, Minn., and spend the afternoon with me tossing around the pigskin?”

None of the above.

I must have had a clicker hand spasm and changed the channel to E!

Josh “My Dad owns the majority share of ESPN so that’s why I’m ruining your morning” Elliott said something I believe went “Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian are no more and they both are saying it was a mutual breakup.”
I don’t recall it exactly as I believe I must have blacked out from the the sure realization that US Weekly apparently take SportsCenter hostage.

I don’t think I need to even argue this point. Anyone who does love sport should feel the same as I.
Anyone who loves the sound of ball hitting leather in late July, loves the sound of pads poppin’ in the fall or loves the roar of a gym during a mid-winter basketball game should feel just as sickened as I do.

Never, ever should Kim Kardashian’s relationship status be a part of a SC telecast. Let alone in the first minute. Ever.

Unless ESPN’s parent company ABC lifts the “family program” aspect out of ESPN’s mission, I don’t want to see Miss Humps on Channel 25 ever again (or whatever the Worldwide Leader in Sports is on your cable/dish TV).

Let’s hope that ESPN does the right thing.
Which is obviously putting Josh Elliott on a badminton beat in the Far East and also stops competing with E!’s The Soup.



I’m so excited… I just can’t hide it
August 4, 2009, 5:32 am
Filed under: Patrick

Being the sports dork I am, I have developed a foolproof method of distinguishing any of my fellow sports geeks’ favorite professional sport. It is as simple as observing the dork in every sports offseason. Nearly every one of us only really follows the off season happenings of one sport… our favorite one.

I love the NBA. Plain and simple.
That being said; my love and devotion to the best professional basketball league in the world has weathered more trials and tribulations then Ryan after 4 seasons of The O.C.

It is all worth it for the excitement running through my veins right now. I know it’s cheesy, and I AM aware of the fact that I should not be admitting this on a public blog. But I am giddy with anticipation. They say a man thinks about sex one in every 8 seconds or something ridiculous like that. Well I think about the NBA once every 4 seconds… Take that woman.

Being the sports dork I am, I have developed a foolproof method of distinguishing any of my fellow sports geeks’ favorite professional sport. It is as simple as observing the dork in every sports offseason. Nearly every one of us only really follows the off season happenings of one sport… our favorite one.
There are two offseason transactions that have taken place that specifically excite me. They may not be the most influential on the sway of the season, but these trades, signings, or whatever they may be called, have me more excited than words can describe. Oh yeah, and its only a coincidence that they happen to be my two favorite teams…

The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Jamario Moon from the Miami Heat several weeks ago, pairing two of the most freakishly athletic forwards in the game together with Moon and, need I say his name, Lebron James. Moon is what many people describe as a human highlight reel, as his lanky six foot nine inch frame often soars high above the rest.

Ideally, Moons presence will give the Cavs another player who can fire the team up alongside the King. I come close to peeing my pants with glee when I imagine LBJ or MoMo Williams driving to the hoop and lofting the orange Spalding into the air for Moon to finish as he sees fit.

Although it has been set at about a fifty fifty shot, seeing Ricky Rubio’s hair flopping over the “Rubio” on a Timberwolves jersey this season would make it very hard for me to miss a T-pups game this season. It is hard to not get excited about the possibility of having such a unique player on your team.
Like it or not, the kid definitely has the swagger and demeanor of the next star. The flowing hair, movie star looks that cause girls hearts to skip a beat, flashy passes and an even flashier smile, what more could you ask for? Oh yeah, he has the perfect name. Seriously, try and tell me this does not sound right… Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, Ricky Rubio, Chris Paul, Dwayne Wade. The slipper fits Mr. Rubio… now please bring back some honor to the joke of a franchise we have become…. Please?!??!

If you would like to comment on this write up, you’ll most likely have to wait til I come out of hibernation for me to read it. Ideally I will wake in October, once the excitement has started.



My boys
July 29, 2009, 7:18 pm
Filed under: Shane

I use the term my boys a lot.

From my boys that actually are my boys, (or bros) to the boys I grew up with to the boys I have to govern as an RA (no photo available-apparently I don’t love them enough.)

But when it comes to my boys of summer there’s no truer example than the good-luck kids of Hayfield, Minn.

Hayfield’s Legion baseball team, Post 330, headed into last weekends District I Division II tournament with the worst record. By far. Did they care? Far from it.
The best part about these kids is that they treat the summer baseball Legion league like it’s actually summer baseball. They don’t care about the records and didn’t care at all that the team they were playing, La Crescent, just won the state Class AA baseball title and had an perfect record of 11-0. Oh, and they were playing La Crescent in La Crescent.

How did the 11-7 Vikings do? Grants boys tagged three runs in the first and ending up winning by holding off an intense Lancer comeback to ruin the night for the 250-plus that came out to root on their hometown team.

Oh, and Post 330 went on to easily win the tournament and got a bid to the state tournament with great pitching from Ben Pollock and Shayn Naylor. But here’s the point where this glass-slipper wearing team tops NC State, Fresno State and all the other Cinderella wanna-bes.
Those teams gave it their all, and they had to being the underdogs to win it all.

I’m not saying Hayfield isn’t trying, but even Klennert said the teams just out there to have a good time. Their goal wasn’t to win the district tournament. The 24-year-old manager said the goal was to just go out there and see what would happen.

Now Hayfield’s in the state tournament. But what’s more surprising about the team is it’s about as superstitious as a Wade Boggs if Boggs suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Seriously. Just follow the trail of glitter Neil’s shirts leave behind.

They only listen to certain Neil Diamond songs before every game. Yes. Of course that includes “Sweet Caroline.”

Did I mention they also must listen to Adam Sandler’s horrific attempts at singing before they take the field?

Oh and they always arrive to the game four hours ahead of time. Every time. And only then do they call Tyler Nelson, who just always seems to run late so then they make a ritual of meeting him at La Crescent’s Kwik Trip.

It’s not just off the field antics as the boys are going to have Naylor pitch the game in state. Yes Naylor pitched a complete game giving up just one run in the district championship but the real reasoning is because he pitched the first game of the district tournament. So naturally he pitches the first game of the state tournament.

Hayfield’s going to need that luck.

The superstitious boys of summer will play arguably the best Legion team in the history of Legion baseball this weekend. Jordan has won the Legion state tournament the last four years in a row and their ace just threw a perfect game. T.J. Oakes is signed on to hurl for the Gophers. Good luck Cindy. You’re gonna need it.

But the love for the lovable group doesn’t stop there. Post 330 don’t have the awesome button up jerseys or cool new Under Armor team gear but instead rep the blue and yellow on simple T’s.

Almost as cool as being a team that just seems to not care that much yet is still playing in the state tournament is the fact its manager never played varsity ball. The new Hayfield High School science teacher just loves the game and while he does coach junior high baseball, he admits the credit doesn’t go to his top-notch managerial skills but just to the boys of summer.

Chances are they’ll get crushed by Jordan in the opening round of state and the 1,300 Hayfield residents will be the only ones who’ll remember the Vikings’ run.

But seeing that their laid-back attitude trumped the Class AA champions last Thursday, I wouldn’t count Neil Diamond fanatics out quite yet.



July 27 + Mike Vick = National Holiday
July 27, 2009, 8:10 pm
Filed under: Shane

I love Mike Vick.

I’ve loved him since the day I woke up dreary-eyed and tired on a Saturday morning in the early fall of 1999 and saw the red-shirted little freshman making every Big East opponent look foolish with his sub-4.2 speed.
Apparently Minnesota loves him too.

I love Mike Vick.

I’ve loved him from the day he was going to “revolutionize” the position of quarterback in the NFL. We all know that didn’t quite work out as he’s always had accuracy issues in addition to never feeling comfortable between the tackles. But, you must give him his due as arguably the most athletic player the league has ever seen.

I love Mick Vick.

Athletically and physically he’s everything I will never be. I’m slow, white and just not that agile anymore. Yes, I can deke out my freshman residents when we play pick up football but anyone who played one down of high school football could do that. He’s lightening quick, dicey and simply electrifying; everything I’m not.

Not liking Mike Vick is hating Dairy Queen. Whine all you want but it’s always great. While the price tag may be a little much, in the end you’re always impressed.

I love Mike Vick.

Because I love second chances. Say all you want about the extremely disappointing things he did. I’m not going to make excuses for him. He dug himself a hole. Killing dogs aside, the worst part may be that he tried to lie about it all. It would have been easier if he was honest. But stop and realize he just spent nearly three years in a federal prison; for killing dogs. Donte’ Stallworth of the Cleveland Browns killed a man via drunk driving. He got less than 30 days.

Point? He’s paid his dues. Get out of your tower and give him a chance to either do well for himself and start over. Or, if he messes up then you win anyway as doubting him from the beginning.

I love Mike Vick.

I wish him the best. I hope a team is bold enough just to give him a shot. He won’t put up Brett Favre numbers or carrying a team like Tom Brady. But week in week out I’d rather watch him at the helm because I love his potential to impress, because I love second chances and because I love Mike Vick.

And, by way of reinstatement, I also love Roger Goodell.

Thanks for reading my first post, I have to hurry along now as today I can start wearing my throwback VT Vick jersey from 1999 not just to spite people and start heated/entertaining conversations but instead to celebrate July 27.

July 27; it’s a celebration. Let’s give Mike a chance.



Maurice Clarett (A Special Individual)
July 10, 2009, 8:32 pm
Filed under: Patrick

Seeing as there is no easy way to perfectly introduce a blog of this nature, I thought it fitting that I give some insight into our title.  Mr. Kitzman and I share an interest in athletes who fail to “successfully”  handle the pressure that comes with being a star athlete.   Two such examples of this phenomenon are Mike Vick and Mo Clarett. I have paid special attention to the Clarett case ever since I found out he is a WordPress aficionado.

The Mind of Maurice Clarett gives you an idea of what it is that these athletes struggle with.  Clarett is a smart, well spoken guy who made some mistakes and is paying for it now.   All to often, athletes like this are literally beat into the ground after their mistake and never given another chance.  Contemplating situations like this have shaped both Shane and my writing styles into what we coined, a new breed of sportswriters.    Listen to this audio as you read that last sentence and it might make it a little more meaningful.

Sports writers have become more and more bland and generic in their writing styles and opinions and that needs to change.   Mo Clarett became a part of this title because his story represents exactly what I am trying to cover with my unorthodox viewpoints.   Whenever an article is written about Mo it is always from a negative standpoint.   What very few people know about (and what i believe is just as important of a story) is that while in jail, Clarett has seemingly turned his life around and is ready to become a solid, upstanding American citizen when he is released.  A quote from Mr. Clarett’s last post caught my eye and I see it as a fitting way to end my initial post.

“enjoy life while you’re here, spread all the love you can to everyone you can, and laugh and smile often.”

Maurice Clarett

Keep reading and feel free to comment.

Patrick